From Wit's End To An Epiphany (Prelude)

Taken directly from my hand written journals, this is a tale of how being completely at wit's end led to an epiphany and a conscious decision that ultimately altered the direction of many more lives than just my own. So... here is the prelude to a sort of multi-part-mini-series (with limited commercial interruptions) that will walk you through the beginning stages of what was to become the most important fight of my life.

It was July of 2005 and Cruella was completely out-of-control and I was at wit's end. I had been talking to my friends, my family, her family and basically anybody else that would listen, about how bad things were getting. I was done covering things up, making excuses and enabling her. I thought that I had been doing the right thing for the kids, but I didn't think so anymore. Something had to change. I had been keeping a diary of her paranoia, her delusions, her odd behaviors, her drug and alcohol abuse and her abusive manic episodes for a few months at that point. Well, she found it, ripped it up and flushed it down the toilet. I freaked... not only did I lose my diary but it was stuck in the toilet waste line in at least 10 different places and it was not very easy to snake it all out. I told her that was it... I was done... she either got help... or we got divorced and I would be taking the kids.

Well... I didn't get the reaction that I was expecting. She actually apologized saying, "I'm sorry. I love you. I'll get help. Please don't leave me. Let's just get away for a little while and take the kids somewhere fun. I promise, I'll start therapy when we get back."

Soo... asshole me packs up the family truckster
and off to Wally World we go...

What a fuckin' mistake that was...

To Be Continued...



Signed, Regular Guy

Wordless (WTF is That?) Wednesday

Signed, Regular Guy

Are My Testicles Black ??

Just A Little Joke To Break Things Up :-)

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse shows up to give him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse," he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other.

Then, she takes a close look and says, "there's nothing wrong with them, sir!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly...

"Thank you very much dear. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely"...

"A r e - M y - T e s t - R e s u l t s - Ba c k ??"

Signed, Regular Guy

Big Cruella Strikes Again!

Big Cruella strikes again! This time she swindled $1,500.00 from a naive, unsuspecting, good natured Grand-Ma. OK... Let me explain...

If your a regular here then you are well aware of what a complete dirt-bag Big Cruella is, a convicted felon who preys on the elderly and disabled so this may or may not surprise you. Anyway,I just got off the phone with Rocco's wife Erin. Erin has been married to Rocco for I think about 14 years now and has been dealing with Cruella and the Clampett Family Cult for all fourteen and the some. Now you'll need a little background to actually understand the impact of what she said to me.

Back in November of 2007, shortly after Lilly started talking about what Snake had done to her all of a sudden Snake was supposedly getting his act together and was going away to school. Now, I can't tell you just how many times that I've heard this kind of crap before and knew that Snake wasn't going anywhere. My inner circle and I had many discussions about what this latest tactic may be. Cruella constantly makes bold statements about what she's going to do such as, start a day care, build a deli, join the Air Force and land the planes on the big boats. Actually I think it's the Navy that does that but that's not the point. The bottom line is she's crazy, all talk, follows through with nothing, usually has some kind of strange ulterior motive and the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

Well, Cruella, Big Cruella and Snake started hitting up everyone and anyone they could think of for donations to send Snake to school. One evening after picking up my kids from a visit with the num-nuts, my son told me "Snake's Grand-Ma (Rocco's Mother) gave him $1,500.00 for college." When I spoke to Rocco and Erin about this we were all quite perplexed. They hadn't spoken to Rocco's mom lately but were certain that she would not be so stupid as to give money to any of those wackos. She knows the family and their history all to well. She would definitely want to help her grandson even though he's scum, but she would be much more likely to write a check directly to the school or something of that nature.

Well, we were wrong. When I spoke to Erin before, she said, "She wrote the check to Big Cruella!" And; of course the money is gone and Big Cruella won't return Rocco's mothers calls and Snake just got a new car. Things that make you go hmmmm...

Signed, Regular Guy

Some Things Never Change

So, you may be wondering what's going on now? Well... Cruella still has Borderline Personality Disorder, she's still Bipolar, she's still basically non-functioning, she's on & off her meds and she's not in therapy. She's unemployed again. She can't seem to hold down a job for more than three months before she either gets fired for chronic lateness or excessive absences. Either that or she has to quit because she's being grossly mistreated or abused or she's being sexually harassed or she's being stalked or some other self-fabricated delusion. One of my favorite ways to describe her (without using profanity) is that she's "predictably unpredictable" and you just never know what to expect.

You may also remember that Cruella was supposed to begin unsupervised, overnight visitation with the children back in January of this year when she finally got her own apartment, (thanks to section 8 welfare.) That was put on hold due to Lilly's allegations of years of being sexually abused by Snake. Well... a CPS investigation has been done along with a police investigation and even though Lilly filed a formal complaint and Snake actually admitted to some of the allegations; because the last time that it happened was over three years ago when Snake was a minor and the allegations did not surface until after Snake turned 18, apparently nothing can be done unless Lilly admits to actual intercourse. (You just gotta love our fucking justice system!)

Both investigations are now closed. Lilly is in regular therapy now and is doing about as well as could be expected , considering what she's been through and it is suspected that she's gone through much more than she's been able to divulge so far. There has been no mention of overnight visits from Cruella or from the kids. I have not heard "BOO" from Ms. Sleepy since February. Snake actually got a job supposedly, which would be his first ever in almost 19 years on this planet. (We'll see how long that lasts.) I have to say it's been a little bit too quiet. I hope this isn't the calm before the storm. The State Police are sending me Snake's admission of guilt so that I can add it to my arsenal for when and if "The Battle For Overnights" begins. I'm standing firm in my position that I cannot allow my children to sleep overnight in the same house or to be left alone with an admitted incestuous sexual deviant who, and I quote "just wanted to practice" and called it "fake sex."

Signed, Regular Guy

Wordless Wednesday

OK... So I figured I'd jump on the Wordless Wednesday band wagon... Oh crap... I just used words didn't I... Oh well... I'll try again next week...

Signed, Regular Guy

Cruella's Actual Diagnosis and How It Came To Be

It was October of 2005, two months after "the crazy hospital incident" . We were back in court again to attempt to determine how the children could safely visit with their mother. At this point she had only seen them that one time since July. Big Cruella was in court that day with a petition for the court asking that she and Lucifer be allowed to supervise the visits. That was immediately shot down based on their family history and low standing in the community.

It was ordered that the visits were to be professionally supervised at the Court House every Saturday for a period of one hour for each visit and that Cruella must submit to a psychiatric evaluation. She had already refused to participate in the two previously ordered evaluations and Judge Johnson's patience was beginning to wear a little thin. Cruella's antics inside the court room were always ridiculous, ranging from uncontrollable sobbing, to speaking out of turn, to screaming and yelling about conspiracy theories, to sitting back with the stupidest looking smirk on her face like she was somehow in control. Well, this time she really "lost it", cursed everybody out, and stormed off before we were even dissmissed.

That evening I received a telephone call from my sister-in-law Mary telling me that Cruella was in the hospital because after leaving court, she went to the mall with her son Snake and overdosed on her medication in an apparent suicide attempt and here's what happened next...

The following is an actual copy of Cruella's diagnosis and discharge report.


FINAL DIAGNOSIS: AXIS I: BIPOLAR DISORDER, DEPRESSED. AXIS II: BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER. AXIS III: NO ACUTE MEDICAL PROBLEMS. AXIS IV: SEVERE STRESS, LOSS OF CUSTODY OF HER CHILDREN AND PENDING DIVORCE. AXIS V: 30
(A rare and valuable explanation of the 5 Axis system used for mental health diagnosis, exclusively provided by Mental-Health-Matters.com.)

REASON FOR ADMISSION: This patient was admitted to Other Town Medical Center two days prior to her admission on REED9 following an overdose of 40 Depakote tablets in a suicide attempt.

HISTORY OF PRESENT ILLNESS: The patient stated that she was at a mall when she took the overdose. The trigger and stressor for this action was losing custody of her children. The patient had just left court several hours before ingesting the overdose. The patient has been separated from her husband since July of 2005. Her husband has an order of protection against her as she was accused of verbally abusing her children and her husband. It is to be noted that the patient's older son was at the mall with her. He is between 15 an 16 years old and he was responsible for EMS being summoned.

PAST PSYCHIATRIC HISTORY: The patient has had two admissions this year, one in June and one in July of 2005. She was in Reg Town Hospital and also in Froot Loop General. Froot Loop General had prescribed her Depakote and referred her to Dr. Shavez on an outpatient basis, however she only saw Dr. Shavez several times. Dr. Shavez did contact the undersigned once the patient was hospitalized on REED9 and was surprised to hear some of the history that was given as the patient did not represent herself in a consistent manner. Dr. Shavez also explained to the undersigned that he would no longer be able to care for the patient on an outpatient basis since he did not believe that they had an honest and open relationship which would be working in her favor.

SOCIAL HISTORY: The patient states that this is her second marriage. Her first marriage also ended in divorce. Her older son is a product of that union. The patient has four other children ages 3, 8,10 and 13 who are now all staying with their father. The patient's 16 year old son is staying with the patient's mother as his father is from the patient's first marriage. The patient's mother works in this hospital as well as does her sister. She also has two other siblings. The patient initially gave an erroneous history, saying that she was adopted and that her natural mother had died in childbirth. However, as was discussed in the family meeting, in fact the patient's mother is alive and well, however is schizophrenic and living in an adult home in the community. The patient's adoptive mother is her biological mother's sister. There are other siblings who are also reported to be mentally ill. This patient dropped out of high school in the 10th grade due to her first pregnancy. Throughout her life her personality disorder and her substance abuse have sabotaged most of her attempts at success.

Drug and alcohol history - On admission the patient denied alcohol or drug abuse. However, this history was also inaccurate and it was confirmed by her mother that there is a history of both alcohol and substance substance abuse.

PAST MEDICAL HISTORY: There is no significant medical history.

ALLERGIES: No known drug allergies.

HOSPITAL COURSE: This 35-year-old female presented to REED9, angry, argumentative and loud. She was extremely derogatory to the staff from the beginning and created much commotion on the unit. Her mood was dysphoric, angry and depressed. Her affect was constricted. She showed no obvious present suicidal ideation. Her insight and her judgement were both limited.

It was decided that the patient would be started on a trial of Depakote once it had returned to an acceptable level. Therefore three days after admission the patient was started on Depakote 250mg in the morning and 500 mg at h.s. also being prescribed. Depakote was later increased to 500 mg p.o. q a.m. and q h.s. The patient tolerated this increase in her medication well. She did complain that the Seroquel created difficulty when she was trying to sleep in the form of increased dreaming, however this was later addressed. The patient found that there were no side effects from the Seroquel if she took it and went to sleep in a timely manner. The patient remained angry, argumentative, oppositional, and was very medication focused. She needed p.r.n. of Vistaril quite frequently. She was using poor judgment in her relationships with people on the unit.

A family meeting was held and the patient also sabotaged that meeting. Present were the patient's adoptive mother, her father and her brother. Her family related a lengthy history of mental illness. The patient's symptoms beginning in her freshman year of high school. They also discussed her divorce stressors and her inability to tolerate any kind of structure. The patient's mood was very labile. Initially she was cordial and then later became mistrustful and oppositional, eventually kicking her family out of the meeting and rescinding any kind of communication with this staff and her family.

Eventually the patient showed some improvement. Most of her traits appeared to be personality in origin and she could communicate in an appropriate manner when it was in her own best interest. The patient was medication compliant and eventually her Depakote was increased to 500 mg in the morning and 750 at h.s. which left her with a discharge Depakote level of 100. The patient's physical appearance began to improve. She no longer had dark circles underneath her eyes. Her eyes no longer showed signs of strain, however her anger remained present and she continued to have difficulties with her family. The patient was unable to come up with an acceptable discharge plan as far as being housed by a friend, therefore it became necessary for her to consider moving into a motel, which she did.

Her outpatient treatment would be conducted at Supervised-Num-Nuts in Wacko-Land where she has an appointment to see Dr. Wannabe at 2:15 p.m.

Discharge medications - Depakote 500 mg in the a.m. and 750 mg at h.s., Seroquel 200 mg at h.s., and Colace 100 b.i.d.

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Congratulations for making it down here to the bottom of this very lengthy post! So now let's see who's been paying attention. If you've been here before or if you take a look around the main page of this blog, you should notice that there are two major, yet very basic factual inaccuracies in this report. Can you find them?

Signed, Regular Guy

Happy Mother's Day

Signed, Regular Guy

When Will My Life Be Sound?

OK... One more poem and then it's back to story time!

When Will My Life Be Sound?

Sometimes I lay awake at night
my mind just will not stop

Hopes & Dreams, Regrets & Fears
my head's about to pop

There is a reason why I'm here
of this I do believe

My past has made me who I am
yet still I can't conceive

Just why my trials keep coming
they never seem to end

Perhaps they make me stronger
perhaps they are my friend

Or is it that they teach me
or do they fuel my wrath

I try to hurdle every tree
that falls across my path

But yet I feel I'm in the air
more than I'm on the ground

When will I find the answers
When will my life be sound

I've got a good one planned for you next time, possibly the one you've all been waiting for but I guess we'll have to just wait and see... I don't want to build it up too much :-)

Signed, Regular Guy

Life, Love & Pain (Thanks For Reading)

This was my very first attempt at poetry and really, I guess creative writing in general, almost three years ago now. My inspiration was quite obviously the same as it is for this blog so I thought that I would share my crude and humble beginnings. I don't know how much better of a writer I have become but I do enjoy it and will continue to try to keep my new found readers reading. I thank you all for taking the time to visit and read. Thanks to those of you that have visited my "sponsers", and of course, thanks for your comments. They definitely keep the posts fun and interesting :-)

Life, Love and Pain

My player days have long since past

I thank the lord they did not last

Sometimes I miss the fun I had

‘cause no those times were not all bad

I learned some things about my life

I settled down I found a wife

And yet my wife she could not see

The kind of man I longed to be

I gave my all let down my guard

And evil grew in my backyard

I had to do what I knew right

Forget my fears and fight the fight

I had to right the wrongs she’d done

For I was not the only one

Our world became a total mess

My children’s lives were filled with stress

So when you judge me know this well

That I would face the hounds of hell

I will protect the ones I love

Yes I will push and I will shove

I’ll face the beast with shoulders back

Be poised and ready for attack

Yes I could be your truest friend

For with my life I will defend

That what I know to be the truth

I have been learning since my youth

To be a man who all respect

To live a life that won’t be wrecked

I put my faith in God above

And know that I can still feel love

Signed, Regular Guy